Double Agent 73 (1974)

Double Agent 73
Director: Doris Wishman
USA 1974
73 min


No, I'm not going to tell you anything about this film until you've seen the intertitles:

Juri Productions? Sounds like quality!

And the title of the film. Could have been a James Bond movie.

Chesty Morgan? I bet that's her real name. Why didn't my mother name me that?

Well now. Got your own picture of what the film is going to be? Otherwise, I can tell you.

Let me begin with the fact that this is a reeeeally bad movie. I mean, REALLY bad. But let me give you a tip: buy a bottle of wine, some crackers and cheese, and watch this wonderfully entertaining cult film with your best friends. It is hilarious.

So, the plot:
Double Agent 73, who's real world name is Jane (played by polish "actress" Chesty Morgan) receives a call from her boss during her vacation, telling her he as a really important assignment for her, and she is the only right person for it. She is going to find and kill... an evil man. Isn't too important. But he sells low-grade heroin on the market. And that is not good.
The important thing however is that Jane has gigantic breasts (and I mean gigantic, see following pictures) and that she has a camera surgically installed in her left breast (!). In other words - she is perfectly equipped for the assignment!
The last thing you need to know about the plot is - Jane has a habit of making herself comfortable every time she gets alone, meaning that she takes off the clothes on her upper body. But don't all women do that, anyway?

Now - look at all these glorious screenshots. They tell everything you need to know.

Look at that beautiful woman! Love her shoes. (?)

"What? You want me to work on my bare-chested vacation?"

Professionally dressed agent Jane is informed about the assignment.

Making herself comfortable while finding important documents.

A woman is killed in the shower. Hitchcock must feel embarrassed by his shower scene in Psycho (1960).

Brilliant! She kills a man by forcing ice cubes into his mouth until he suffocates. Why didn't I come up with that one?

And this is how Jane takes photographs with her boobies.

Yes. She kills a man by rubbing poison on her breast and seduces him to lick them. Watch this movie with your kids! Or even better - with someone else's kids!

Can it get more 1970's?

"Oh no! He caught me! And my breasts are trying to escape!"

The evil man is... evil. Grrr.

And the film ends. But the last frame can't just be of a boring airplane, so we put a couple of boobs there to.

Isn't it amazing that a woman has directed this? People have tried to explain Doris Wishman as a feminist, being a sole woman in a man dominated industry. But no. All women in her films are mostly blonde and stupid. I intend to watch all Wishman's films. For the heck of it.

As for Chesty Morgan, her career was a short one. She made another movie with Wishman, Deadly Weapons from 1974 (I wonder what those "deadly weapons" were...?), but then she got fired because she never came to the set on time. It was also a bit of a kerfuffle to re-dub all her lines because of her Polish accent.
Chesty Morgan made an appearance in Federico Fellini's Casanova (1976), but her scenes were cut. The last film she made was in Hong Kong called Third Hand (1981). Just check out the info on that one on IMDb - nada. Her performance isn't even confirmed.
What a tragic loss of a great actress.

Quotes:

Chesty: Flowers are pretty, aren't they?